Ugggg, flailing, anxiety, and faith

For the most part I am fairly quiet about my faith, it is just part of me and I do what I feel fits my practice of faith.  I don't shout about it often and I certainly would not be classified as an a person that goes out to evangelize, that simply is not my speed.

I am hardly a perfect person and nor is my practice of my faith perfect, it is nowhere near close to that at all.  I struggle sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.  I don't pray nearly as much as  I should and I find that my faith comes fairly easy when I am feeling good and secure.  Recently as I find myself more hopeful and confident that we will be able to resume 'normal' life I find myself filled with more anxiety and worry in general, I am not questioning my faith or God.  But I am allowing myself to be drawn into worries that I know I need to let go of but yet I need help to do so. 

I find myself in these times doubling down on certain things to help me get a grip on reality and calm the mental and emotional storm within me.  For example I typically do not listen to Christian music but I find myself listening to the local station.

As I had mentioned when things are good, it is easy, but right now the doubts are starting to creep in and I know that mostly it is on me and the temptations to look past God.  I don't want to look past him so I shore up my faith but surrounding myself with things that will drown out the doubts and keep me focused on what I know even if I am having difficulty seeing or feeling it.

During these times I tend to have a lot of physical manifestations of my fears and I think that I have come down with some weird terrible thing.  I stop and I think logically about it and then start battling those little fires of doubt.  For example I remind myself that my physical symptoms started when my stress and anxiety increased.  I also remind myself that God promised me that he would not leave me even in times of trouble, but he never promised that things would be sunshine and rainbows all the time, so even if there are problems he is there and I am not alone.

I often run some variation of these thoughts thought my head on repeat:
Dear God, I know that whatever ailments I have you can cure with just your command, however I am not asking you for that.  I am asking you for the strength to let go and embrace your plan and accept your plan.  Help me beat the anxiety back and trust that you will catch me when I fall.  I would love your plan to include any insta cure of anything I happen to have but I know that I cannot ask for that because I am not testing you, I know your power and even if I want that cure of any thing I have be, it real or imagined, I have you and I will get through.  I pray that you help me focus on your love, your gifts, and the positive things in my life so I can relax and enjoy all the blessings I have.  Amen.

So here is one song that I really enjoy, and quite often I am feeling the anxiety ratchet up I feel like I am drowning so this one really resonates with me.


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