Too many people in my space.

Do you ever get stressed and can't figure out what the problem is?  Over the past 4 years, I have noticed the sign of stress is found in my shoulders I get so tense it is like a ball of fire.

Yesterday I woke up and all is good. I have a house and it is safe and we can afford it.  My family is good.  I don't need to work financially but I think I do for emotional and mental reasons.   Yet as the day wore on I just got tighter and tighter and my tricks are not as effective as they used to be.

I honestly think I might be fighting the feeling that I am not enough which is crazy right?  I know I am in my head and my kids and husband frequently tell me that I am the best.  So why can't I believe it?  Why can't I let it go and rejoice in being wife and mother?

I keep taking these moments to myself and I pray for help to just let it go and to be able to feel confident that I am in the right place and I am doing the right thing.
 
I have to wonder is this is largely COVID induced.  With all the restrictions that are in place our lives have not been 'normal' in almost a year.  It has been 315 days, almost a full year of our 2 week flatten the curve lock down.   This has not been good at all for introverts I still don't care what people think or say.  I have said it in the past and I will continue to say it.

Over the summer I had breaks because I would journey to help settle things with my Aunt's Estate and sure I was with my parents, but they don't have the same emotional, mental, and [physical demands that my loving Padawans do.  Plus I had my nights free as well as the almost 5 hour drive to and fro, it was glorious.  And that time served me well for when I returned the house.  But I haven't had that since August!

I am drowning in people and togetherness.  I need people because I am human, but just as importantly I need space.  In retrospect when I went for my mammogram the other day, I should have just sat in the parking lot with my book for a while rather than heading home.  Oh well such is hindsight. 

In the mean time, I shall try to manage that tricky calculus of doing enough to keep my mind busy but not stressed, and just chilling to let my mind relax. I have the full support of my family the are all set to help me find what I need, so I just need to pray, read, and do enough work to keep me busy and this too shall pass.

I am making progress, when I woke up this morning my shoulders were feeling a bit better.  I have done a few things and am about to chill in my reading chair and escape for a bit, and I will probably say a prayer or two while I am there as well.

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